These 2-3 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. From my grandma, to being rejected. Tbh i was pretty okay on Monday, but i ended up depressed on Tuesday morning. Think the pain really hit me then.
So i tried to focus on work, my mum was concerned for me, but she urgently wanted to close the accounts for the month. And i did my best to hold it together.
Throughout the day, while sneaking in some break time at work, i tried to go to ymi (run by our daily bread), desiring god sites to figure out or find some comfort.
I didnt even know what i was. Do i call myself an unhappy single as many articles addressed that? But i was a happy single until i (liked you and) got rejected. What abt just broke up people? I was never with you in the first place.
Why wasnt there an article that spoke to me about being rejected?
It was only later on that night, that i had time to myself and i decided to seek God again. This quiet time thing has become a habit of mine every night now. I placed my QT journal, my bible, and my pen on my bed. And i started telling God that i was really hurting.
I told God i needed help to heal, to let go, move on, to be at peace with myself. So i told Him “okay idk how this will work, but God, if your Holy Spirit is with me… please talk to me. And i dont want some “cliched” verse like ‘for i know the plans i have you, plans to prosper you’ etc”.
(Okay side note, i googled on that and turns out many christians misquote it for any situation in life without realising the actual context of the verse.)
So i randomly flipped the bible open. I know, this method is dodgy. But im not as well versed in the bible as i used to be in sunday sch when i was 10.
First thing i flipped to was 1 Samuel chapters 1-2. “Eli’s sons have nothing to do with me.. i cant be that bad..” But my eye caught specifically this verse (1 Sam 1:15-16): “… I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
Suddenly I started crying. Within a second. I felt connected like this woman described my pain. Of all the people I could have read in the bible, I got Hannah.
Pain, not just from the rejection, frustration like how long must i pray for the man God prepared for me, but pain from seeing my grandma weak, fear from the condition she was in, fear she would go.. everything came pouring out in tears and mucus.
Then i saw another verse when Hannah praised the Lord for hearing her. Verse 2:2: “there is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God.”
So i told God, okay, you answer prayers, I am on stable ground with you as my Rock.. and i asked God, what about another random bible flip?
Second flip was not that applicable because it was in proverbs talking abt Tribes of Judah i think.
So third flip. I ended up in Psalms 25:4-7, where David asked the Lord to teach him, guide him, while asking the Lord to remember him with his love and mercy. He also declared his hope was in the Lord.
Next page was Psalms 28:1-2 where he declared the Lord is my Rock. And he subsequently pleaded with God to “hear my cry for mercy, as I call to you for help, as I lift my hands toward your most Holy place.”
Where did i read that “the Lord is my Rock” thing again? Probably short term memory, so i flipped back to Hannah, and found her declaring the same. And both Hannah and David, in their respective problems, declared the Lord the Most Holy one. I soon realised the connecting themes between both bible flips.
Maybe the “random” bible flips, werent -that- random?
I prayed and also thanked God for this heartbreak, cause if honestly I didnt have this heartbreak, and if you hadnt rejected me, I wouldnt have found these 4 verses reaffirming God’s love to me.
And then i realised i have not heard the phrase “The Lord is my Rock” in such a long time. Idk why, is it because i never pay attention in church, or we havent heard it in sermons for a while, or whatever. I was reminded of something so basic and true again.
My identity was and is confirmed in the Lord as his beloved child, compared to the morning where I didnt even know whether to classify myself as an unhappy single or felt like a broke up person.
This was when i felt i could move on already.
The next day QT was abt personal behaviour improvement, ridding myself of filthy language (which i have a bad habit but my use of vulgarities has gone down this month..), slander, anything malicious. Rather treating people with love, compassion, mercy, humility. Colossians 3:8-17.
Tbh i didnt see how this linked with the previous day, but as i prayed, it dawned on me that now that i am reminded and taught of my identity in God, that how i behave was my responsibility, as part of my identity.
Then on the 28th, QT was abt the times we cant pray because we either dont know how to put our thoughts to words, helpless, or whatever, but the Holy Spirit would intercede for us too. Not only that, our friends’ prayers also intercede for us.
This was also the day that I just let my emotions get the better of me and ranted my worries abt finding the “right guy”.
You told me you trusted in God’s timing, and thus you are not stressed abt being single at your age.
I felt the Lord was challenging me, testing me to trust him. Just because i had faith, doesnt mean i trusted him. Idk why but “trust” and “faith” seem like 2 different things to me.
During these challenging weeks, sometimes i really dont know how to pray. Demand God’s healing? Beg? Plead? What to say?
In my times like that Tuesday night, i cried to God in very choppy sentences, wasnt coherent, and somehow, the more i prayed on, the more i felt i could talk to God. Like i was becoming comfortable with talking to him.
I really felt God was testing me. So i asked God, are you testing me? Why is everything happening now? Why is it that I feel more and more keen to do my QT? Pray more? To lean on you more? Havent you thrown enough life problems for me to deal with already?
For context though, my theme song per se has been Oceans by Hillsong. Idk why but in the midst of my grandma’s condition, i wanted to look for worship songs, and Oceans popped up. i knew the song, didnt know the lyrics but youtube recommended or listed it anyways.
So the past few weeks i have been listening to Oceans.
Speaking of trust, the lyrics went “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders” and then “That my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour”.
Actually i wrote the entire song lyrics into my journal for Tuesday night when I was depressed and hurting a lot.
So this song kept coming back to me. Was God challenging me to have faith in him, and to trust him that he will remember me in love as David prayed? If David even needed to pray like this, then all the more I need to.
So i finally told God to help me to trust him in preparing a man for me, and that i will be prepared for that man too in future.
Today’s QT was abt being born anew in the Lord. John 3:1-8, 13-16.
“In reply, Jesus declared, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.”
Our daily bread was talking abt how sometimes we sense something is wrong, so we change our exterior, be it appearance, habit, actions, but our hearts remain unchanged. And only Jesus could bring abt change in our hearts.
This felt like an immediate answer to my question to God “are you testing me?”
I cant even bother to exercise daily. And some people claim that you need 3 weeks to form a habit and make it stick. I cant explain why but it must honestly be the Lord when i find myself wanting to load up the day’s QT in the morning, and read bits of it during work .. to meditate it at night. My mum had been nagging me for years, and i couldnt be bothered.
Also now my friends question why i can move on from you, sure i move anot? And regardless whether they are christians or not, i confidently said it is because i have you as a brother in Christ, that i can move on already. A friend claimed im defending myself too much, but really, im not lying. And i told her that you have helped me to learn to rely on God again.
In the past, i would never really talk abt God or my christian faith. I never wanted to meet church staff or cell group leaders individually cause i was stressed by it. I was super surface level. Super shallow. Now i feel like i found something pretty damn good, and i feel at peace, joyful, and not shy to tell my friends abt my faith in God, my relationship with him.
All this change has to be by God.
He is testing me to come closer to him, and to lean on him. To have faith in him.
So i guess this is why i decided to type everything out. I feel like a new Christian, and excited again.
On that note also, thank you for being a really good friend, for being so patient with me, guiding me wisely. And please be assured, i have moved on. 🙂