0

thank you.

my tuition kid was testing my patience the other night. and while i was strict and firm with her, i was trying to avoid scolding her. reason being the moment i do that, she sees me as just another adult. she comes from a underprivileged family, where her mum speaks to her normally in a scolding tone. yep scolding = normal tone. i’ve never heard her mum speak to her in a normal loving way.

so when she is scolded, she mentally shuts off from people, and think you’re just one of them. she is quite deprived of parental love tbh, and i’ve got the feeling the reason she is mischievous, noisy, and socially awkward at times is because she just wants attention and love. she probably likes me because i don’t scold her, yet i can be firm and strict with her. she knows when im mad at her for not focusing. maybe im giving her a somewhat tough love to want for? i realise she respects me more than she does to her parents. maybe to her, winning my approval or my encouragement is more important than her parents’?

it’s really sad though.

so anyways, a few days ago, she was pushing my limit. but i didn’t scold her. i told her firmly, i won’t always be there to hold her hands, to guide her. she needs to make her own decisions, need to learn to correct her own mistakes in life.

one day she has to let go of me. i have to let go of her.

i came home feeling just mentally worn out having to deal with her. knitted, watched more horizon zero dawn walkthrough by tetraninja, and slept.

ytd (which is the next day after tuition), i was still pretty mentally worn out from her. i came home from japanese class, and it’s been tiring: gym session also made my muscles ache, japanese was challenging … and i still feel like this kid was still eating up my mental energy and emotions.

so i finally decided to worship the lord after i showered. just me, my laptop, in my room, and sang a few worship songs. idk if it’s me picking which songs to sing out of my youtube playlist, or was it maybe the holy spirit or the lord guiding my hand to choose those songs. after all, man might think he was the one who casted the die, but the lord is the one who already planned his steps.

those songs reminded me of god’s love again, despite my weakness, despite my flawed self. i then realised god must have a whole lot of patience to deal with me all my life. i even prayed god will let me die or take me home during the worst period of my depression. doesn’t that break his heart more?

i prayed for death but he gave me life. a life worth living for.

and yet i got fed up with my kid over english grammar exercises. surely i can practise loving her and being more patient with her?

after worship, i felt so much more at peace. like i wasn’t complaining about the kid anymore. i felt refreshed mentally and emotionally. physically i was still in pain from gym anyways. when i went to bed that night, pretty late, almost 3am, i prayed god teach me to love and be patient, because there’s no way i can handle this kid on my own strength. it’s not her fault she came from a challenging background, or a underprivileged family. she just needs someone to be patient, to love her, and to guide her the right way.

despite sleeping for only 6.5 hours (rip my muscles), i felt like i rested deeply. =) i slept pretty well.

thank you god, for your love, for your grace. your mercies are new every morning.

Advertisements
0

Replenished. 

So after yesterday’s blog post and that overwhelming sense of emptiness, I also messaged a friend and my young adult Pastor; didn’t mean to scare my pastor btw, he thought I was pregnant when I was referring to a friend’s pregnancy.

Anyways, my friend replied me with Matthew 6:25-34, the parable where Jesus was saying how God takes care of the birds, and flowers etc, what more will he take care of you. 

Then verse 30 caught my eye, cause it described so perfectly my feeling. It said something along the lines of God makes the grass so beautiful, which is here today, but can be gone in a fire or whatever disaster tomorrow, what more will he take care of you — you of little faith. This felt similar to how I feel: how was I supposed to understand death, joy, beginning of new life  all in 1 week?

That part on the you of little faith was like a rebuke to me. Cause there was a moment when I doubted if God truly cared about me. If I was or wanted to declare he is sovereign over everything in my life, did I actually mean that or am I paying lip service? Did I fully appreciate that? I had a tiny thought that was like “You went through all of that emotions in a week , you are a mere speck in the world that has billions of people. Sure God will take care of you?”

After clearing more of my overdue work, since I was sick last week and did not really work, I went back to my room and decided to listen to my youtube playlist of worship songs. Song after song reminded me of God’s goodness, his love, his sovereignty, his glory. 

Then I proceeded with quiet time, and wrote a pretty honest prayer to God. (I have a QT journal, so that I can track my spiritual walk with God.) I mean no point lying when God knows everything right?

In that quiet tine and worship with God, I felt peace again, I feel like my soul finally rested in God, I felt comforted in his love. I mean people can say oh it’s just a feel good moment, you are making this up, but really it is amazing to feel so calm and pure hoy again. I cannot describe the peace that God provides. 

Recently when I feel troubled or whatever, I realise I cannot rely on my usual playlist of pop songs to cheer me up. I would still be brooding over it recently I have been relying more on my worship songs, and I have found peace. 

Anyways to end of this post, I took a photo of my current knitting project. It is a blanket for my friend. You know sometimes we knitters like to show the good beautiful side of our knitting, we rarely show the back or like the behind the scenes of our projects. Who wants to see incomplete work, or loose ends? 

So I took a picture of the front and another picture of the back where the loose ends can be seen.  I think the back picture really show how everything is a work in progress, like our lives. God is constantly moulding us, transforming us, but while people only see the front or appearances we have, they really don’t know how much effort God has put in to transform us for the better behind the scenes. 🙂 

God bless. 

0

So what happened?

It finally took me more than a week to admit I feel burnt out. Hate it when it happens, that again I didn’t anticipate earlier. 

2 weeks ago, I had the craziest week emotionally.

Best friend lost her dad to lung cancer, he wasn’t even a smoker or anything. So I was there on the first day of the wake, and then was there on the day of the funeral/cremation. I told myself I won’t cry, but seeing her so heartbroken made me cry and grieve with her. 

So that was last last Tuesday and Thursday. 

Also our mutual friend passed me her flu, so I was coughing already on Wednesday. 

Then Saturday I was really sick, but it was my cousin’s wedding. But I was really nauseous and giddy, and still coughing. 

Then Sunday was my other best friend’s wedding, and I was the only bridesmaid. Praise the Lord that He made me well enough to survive the wedding. (We had an early day like 5-6am start of the wedding rituals.) 

So that was 2 weeks ago. 

I spent most of last week just sleeping, no exercise, no sports, nothing really accomplished. Except for sleeping 11.5 hrs one night cause I was exhausted. 

I guess I finally understand what fatigue feels. Like legit moderate-severe exhaustion feels like. Sleeping and popping meds for my flu. 

I’ve started to catch up with my work again but I feel depressed, or deflated emotionally. I just don’t want to do anything that I’m responsible to do. 

Also another friend told me she was 6 weeks pregnant but it’s concerning she has a huge cyst in her ovary too. Huge meaning the size is comparable to the size of the embryo. 

So in 1 week that has me mentally, emotionally and physically exahusted, I saw what death means, what joy means, what love is, what the beginning of life is like as a ball of cells, yet the fragile nature of life means that maybe the embryo won’t survive too. 

No wonder I’m tired. 

And burnt out. 

I randomly asked a friend out for lunch. Yea he is the one I confessed to but he rejected me. But we still message each other stupid things. Well mostly he puts up with my nonsense. 

And when I told him I guess I feel burnt out, he said that’s a flag to be concerned for. 

“Red flag?” 

“Yea like in an anime where the protagonist has a flashback or talks about the past or their aspirations before a battle, it’s like a death flag.”

I thanked him for meeting me for lunch, despite my random request. I just needed to  be away from ihavenoideawhat. 

But damn it, I am so tired. 

In such a crazy week, I thought or told myself that God is sovereign over everything. Everything happens in His timing. 

Let’s be honest, if God wasn’t there for me, he could have pretty much ignored my prayer that I will be able to recover for my friend’s wedding. So I am not doubting he wasn’t or isn’t there for me. 

But what does it mean to have faith that God is sovereign over everything? I don’t want to pay lip service for the sake of doing so. I just want to make sense of the week I have experienced. 

You know how sometimes you play songs but you aren’t listening? Then when the songs end, you are like huh the songs ended already? So fast? 

This happened to me, and funny thing the parts I actually listened to was “My soul will rest in your embrace.” And the entire last stanza or bridge of Oceans by Hllsongs. “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.”

Is God challenging me to trust him when he said he is sovereign over everything? That despite everything that can happen in life, he is always there? And in charge?

I got many happy songs on my youtube list but they do not feel enough. 

I feel empty and I want the Lord to replenish my soul. 

0

Changing

A friend posted this on facebook, “If you had 1 year of free time, what will you do?”

My first immediate thought was, “Worship the Lord.”

How … weird. Legit this wouldn’t be my immediate thought in the past.

I’m changing.

God’s changing me.

0

Review of Star Wars Run SG 2017

So me being the lazy one, here’s the copy paste from my facebook 😀 

Enjoyed #StarWarsRunSG! This is my review of the event.

Pros:
1. Baggage deposit and baggage retrieval was efficiently done. Many crew members on hand, which helped speed things up.

2. There were a good number of cosplayers and crew who cheered on the runners. Really love this!

3. Running through MBS, Esplanade, Helix Bridge, Gardens was a thrilling experience. One of my bucket list items to run through at night so I’m really happy.

4. The emcees did a good job hyping the crowd before each wave was flagged off.

5. Event kept to the theme very well. Especially how even the supertrees in Gardens were lit up to be light sabers.

6. My biggest thumbs up goes to the food stalls available. I have been to quite a number of run events to know what is bleh, and what is good.

A) Generous big UFC Coconut water bottle given to everyone. I took two cause I think I was dehydrated.

B) Chobani giving out free 100g cups, one for each runner! 👍🏻 to Chobani.

C) Aloha Poke had a stall. First time trying and OMG IT IS DELICIOUS. Queueing and ordering was pretty orderly. And serving was quick. I will try to buy more often in future when I’m out.

D) Vitagen giving free vitagen to everyone. Really good job.

E) There was also a stall selling coconut related drinks/soft serve, and a korean stall. I didn’t get them cause I was low in cash (only $17), so I went for Aloha Poke.

7. Last but not least, outdoor viewing of The Force Awakens. Nothing can beat this. The atmosphere was fun, you could hear the audience laugh at the jokes, all focused and pretty much considerate to each other’s space and belongings.

8. Also a well deserving shout out to the clean up crew. Really, from where I was, they cleaned up litter so quickly. That say, I am disappointed so many littered.

EDIT
9. THE FIREWORKS BEFORE THE RUN STARTED.

Cons:
1. However due to the sheer number of participants, the routes were squeezy at some points, especially after Esplanade and behind F1 pit building. I know the organisers would have done their best to ensure the best and most interesting routes for both light and dark sides, so this was kinda unavoidable.

2. There needs to be more signs to the public and the participants because a) we are running through a popular area, b) sometimes the routes can be clearer. However, the attempted segragation under and after the Helix bridge wasn’t too bad.

3. The organisers should have reminded participants of race etiquette. This is probably my biggest problem with the event and all running events.

They should have told participants that slower participants or those who were walking to keep to the left, and let those who want to run, run on the right.

I know this is a family-friendly event. I’m not against families of course, but this is for safety. There were some near brushes where people could have collided, and I nearly collided with people too. There were families with prams too.

This is a standard runner’s etiquette I’ve seen in major running events like Sundown and StanChart.

Also many people were swinging their light sabers without considering or checking around. I saw an ang moh politely telling an aunty, “Mdm, please be careful with your light saber,” after she nearly hit him in the face with it unknowingly.

4. The human jam at the finish line was tough to deal with because many people just didn’t want to move off quicker despite the organisers’ attempts to tell people to keep moving. I think this is partly due to: a) people queueing up for the coconut water which was quite near to the finish line, and b) people trying to cross the same narrow way back to baggage deposit area.

I’m not sure where else the organisers could have put the baggage deposit, because it was in a good spacious location. However, they could perhaps consider to give the coconut water at the same time while giving the medals out. Like how some of the major races give bananas and water with the medals at the same time. (I remember when I did Sundown 2014, they gave the banana at the same time.) Hopefully this reduces the human jam around the area.

Photos!

Close to being flagged off!

Night view of MBS. Always wanted to run here at night so this is a dream come true. =)

The supertrees of Gardens by the Bay being converted into lightsabers!

My supper: Free Chobani + Aloha Poke (Wasabi mayo salmon + Mentai salmon (seasonal)) + free UFC coconut water!

0

Breathe

So my trip to Indonesia wasn’t great. I’m trying to get out of that negative vibe so I won’t rehash the story here. Thank you to my closest friends for reading my rants on Whatsapp and Twitter. 

I’m really happy, joyous to be back home in Singapore. 

I had a great meet up with 2 friends; we are like the Japanese musketeers, except I’m the newbie to Japanese language and culture. 😅 I miss them so much, and I’m glad we had a good time bitching our problems. 😂

Then on Saturday night, I took part in Star Wars Run SG. It was really good 🙂 I should do a separate post for that, since I typed a lengthy review of the event. Photos will be there too. 

So today I met up with Connie for a movie again. She’s my movie buddy 🙂 we are two single ladies lol. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 was really good. Goddamn it, I’m crying more, or are the movies we watch getting more emotional? Stop tugging my heart strings. 

And this is my LUSH haul for today:

  • Running low on H’suan Wen Hua, especially after my recent perm at the end of March
  • Mask of Magnaminty, cause I have no more oil controlling face scrub mask. 
  • Daddy-O because I dyed my hair for the first time ever in my life on Monday! Which is why the Hsuan Wen Hua is so needed now. 
  • Charity Pot because my skin is so dry to the point that my elbows suffered abrasions from me doing my planks. And they are peeling and scarring really not nice. 
  • And I probably visit the same LUSH stall too often to replenish, because one staff member remembers me 😂. I told Lianna to remind me next time I drop by, about shaving creams because I’m curious. In the end she gave me Ambrosia to try 🙂 but admitted that they don’t carry much stock so if I want, I have to go to the other branch in Orchard Central. Oh well 😦 this is my third freebie from LUSH already! 

Well time for me to wash off some H’suan Wen Hua and Mask of Magnaminty! 

0

First line of defence

Got a bit of a blocked nose, and a swollen throat. I’ve been drinking honey but it doesn’t seem strong enough to tackle this. I’m guessing it is due to the recent weather: sunny hot days, and then we can have thunderstorms for hours. 

So my first line of defence is a 1.6L/54 ounces/0.4 gallons of honey with lemon and ginger slices, by your truly hahaha. Hopefully I recover soon!