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thank you.

my tuition kid was testing my patience the other night. and while i was strict and firm with her, i was trying to avoid scolding her. reason being the moment i do that, she sees me as just another adult. she comes from a underprivileged family, where her mum speaks to her normally in a scolding tone. yep scolding = normal tone. i’ve never heard her mum speak to her in a normal loving way.

so when she is scolded, she mentally shuts off from people, and think you’re just one of them. she is quite deprived of parental love tbh, and i’ve got the feeling the reason she is mischievous, noisy, and socially awkward at times is because she just wants attention and love. she probably likes me because i don’t scold her, yet i can be firm and strict with her. she knows when im mad at her for not focusing. maybe im giving her a somewhat tough love to want for? i realise she respects me more than she does to her parents. maybe to her, winning my approval or my encouragement is more important than her parents’?

it’s really sad though.

so anyways, a few days ago, she was pushing my limit. but i didn’t scold her. i told her firmly, i won’t always be there to hold her hands, to guide her. she needs to make her own decisions, need to learn to correct her own mistakes in life.

one day she has to let go of me. i have to let go of her.

i came home feeling just mentally worn out having to deal with her. knitted, watched more horizon zero dawn walkthrough by tetraninja, and slept.

ytd (which is the next day after tuition), i was still pretty mentally worn out from her. i came home from japanese class, and it’s been tiring: gym session also made my muscles ache, japanese was challenging … and i still feel like this kid was still eating up my mental energy and emotions.

so i finally decided to worship the lord after i showered. just me, my laptop, in my room, and sang a few worship songs. idk if it’s me picking which songs to sing out of my youtube playlist, or was it maybe the holy spirit or the lord guiding my hand to choose those songs. after all, man might think he was the one who casted the die, but the lord is the one who already planned his steps.

those songs reminded me of god’s love again, despite my weakness, despite my flawed self. i then realised god must have a whole lot of patience to deal with me all my life. i even prayed god will let me die or take me home during the worst period of my depression. doesn’t that break his heart more?

i prayed for death but he gave me life. a life worth living for.

and yet i got fed up with my kid over english grammar exercises. surely i can practise loving her and being more patient with her?

after worship, i felt so much more at peace. like i wasn’t complaining about the kid anymore. i felt refreshed mentally and emotionally. physically i was still in pain from gym anyways. when i went to bed that night, pretty late, almost 3am, i prayed god teach me to love and be patient, because there’s no way i can handle this kid on my own strength. it’s not her fault she came from a challenging background, or a underprivileged family. she just needs someone to be patient, to love her, and to guide her the right way.

despite sleeping for only 6.5 hours (rip my muscles), i felt like i rested deeply. =) i slept pretty well.

thank you god, for your love, for your grace. your mercies are new every morning.

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Something blue. 

Love how the natural sunlight makes this lightning blue yarn look more like sea/ocean blue (I’m not 100% good with my colour shades.) 

My bed is a really good backdrop for my photos, which is perfect for big projects like this blanket.  🙂 

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Replenished. 

So after yesterday’s blog post and that overwhelming sense of emptiness, I also messaged a friend and my young adult Pastor; didn’t mean to scare my pastor btw, he thought I was pregnant when I was referring to a friend’s pregnancy.

Anyways, my friend replied me with Matthew 6:25-34, the parable where Jesus was saying how God takes care of the birds, and flowers etc, what more will he take care of you. 

Then verse 30 caught my eye, cause it described so perfectly my feeling. It said something along the lines of God makes the grass so beautiful, which is here today, but can be gone in a fire or whatever disaster tomorrow, what more will he take care of you — you of little faith. This felt similar to how I feel: how was I supposed to understand death, joy, beginning of new life  all in 1 week?

That part on the you of little faith was like a rebuke to me. Cause there was a moment when I doubted if God truly cared about me. If I was or wanted to declare he is sovereign over everything in my life, did I actually mean that or am I paying lip service? Did I fully appreciate that? I had a tiny thought that was like “You went through all of that emotions in a week , you are a mere speck in the world that has billions of people. Sure God will take care of you?”

After clearing more of my overdue work, since I was sick last week and did not really work, I went back to my room and decided to listen to my youtube playlist of worship songs. Song after song reminded me of God’s goodness, his love, his sovereignty, his glory. 

Then I proceeded with quiet time, and wrote a pretty honest prayer to God. (I have a QT journal, so that I can track my spiritual walk with God.) I mean no point lying when God knows everything right?

In that quiet tine and worship with God, I felt peace again, I feel like my soul finally rested in God, I felt comforted in his love. I mean people can say oh it’s just a feel good moment, you are making this up, but really it is amazing to feel so calm and pure hoy again. I cannot describe the peace that God provides. 

Recently when I feel troubled or whatever, I realise I cannot rely on my usual playlist of pop songs to cheer me up. I would still be brooding over it recently I have been relying more on my worship songs, and I have found peace. 

Anyways to end of this post, I took a photo of my current knitting project. It is a blanket for my friend. You know sometimes we knitters like to show the good beautiful side of our knitting, we rarely show the back or like the behind the scenes of our projects. Who wants to see incomplete work, or loose ends? 

So I took a picture of the front and another picture of the back where the loose ends can be seen.  I think the back picture really show how everything is a work in progress, like our lives. God is constantly moulding us, transforming us, but while people only see the front or appearances we have, they really don’t know how much effort God has put in to transform us for the better behind the scenes. 🙂 

God bless. 

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So what happened?

It finally took me more than a week to admit I feel burnt out. Hate it when it happens, that again I didn’t anticipate earlier. 

2 weeks ago, I had the craziest week emotionally.

Best friend lost her dad to lung cancer, he wasn’t even a smoker or anything. So I was there on the first day of the wake, and then was there on the day of the funeral/cremation. I told myself I won’t cry, but seeing her so heartbroken made me cry and grieve with her. 

So that was last last Tuesday and Thursday. 

Also our mutual friend passed me her flu, so I was coughing already on Wednesday. 

Then Saturday I was really sick, but it was my cousin’s wedding. But I was really nauseous and giddy, and still coughing. 

Then Sunday was my other best friend’s wedding, and I was the only bridesmaid. Praise the Lord that He made me well enough to survive the wedding. (We had an early day like 5-6am start of the wedding rituals.) 

So that was 2 weeks ago. 

I spent most of last week just sleeping, no exercise, no sports, nothing really accomplished. Except for sleeping 11.5 hrs one night cause I was exhausted. 

I guess I finally understand what fatigue feels. Like legit moderate-severe exhaustion feels like. Sleeping and popping meds for my flu. 

I’ve started to catch up with my work again but I feel depressed, or deflated emotionally. I just don’t want to do anything that I’m responsible to do. 

Also another friend told me she was 6 weeks pregnant but it’s concerning she has a huge cyst in her ovary too. Huge meaning the size is comparable to the size of the embryo. 

So in 1 week that has me mentally, emotionally and physically exahusted, I saw what death means, what joy means, what love is, what the beginning of life is like as a ball of cells, yet the fragile nature of life means that maybe the embryo won’t survive too. 

No wonder I’m tired. 

And burnt out. 

I randomly asked a friend out for lunch. Yea he is the one I confessed to but he rejected me. But we still message each other stupid things. Well mostly he puts up with my nonsense. 

And when I told him I guess I feel burnt out, he said that’s a flag to be concerned for. 

“Red flag?” 

“Yea like in an anime where the protagonist has a flashback or talks about the past or their aspirations before a battle, it’s like a death flag.”

I thanked him for meeting me for lunch, despite my random request. I just needed to  be away from ihavenoideawhat. 

But damn it, I am so tired. 

In such a crazy week, I thought or told myself that God is sovereign over everything. Everything happens in His timing. 

Let’s be honest, if God wasn’t there for me, he could have pretty much ignored my prayer that I will be able to recover for my friend’s wedding. So I am not doubting he wasn’t or isn’t there for me. 

But what does it mean to have faith that God is sovereign over everything? I don’t want to pay lip service for the sake of doing so. I just want to make sense of the week I have experienced. 

You know how sometimes you play songs but you aren’t listening? Then when the songs end, you are like huh the songs ended already? So fast? 

This happened to me, and funny thing the parts I actually listened to was “My soul will rest in your embrace.” And the entire last stanza or bridge of Oceans by Hllsongs. “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.”

Is God challenging me to trust him when he said he is sovereign over everything? That despite everything that can happen in life, he is always there? And in charge?

I got many happy songs on my youtube list but they do not feel enough. 

I feel empty and I want the Lord to replenish my soul. 

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Changing

A friend posted this on facebook, “If you had 1 year of free time, what will you do?”

My first immediate thought was, “Worship the Lord.”

How … weird. Legit this wouldn’t be my immediate thought in the past.

I’m changing.

God’s changing me.

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To a friend. 

These 2-3 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. From my grandma, to being rejected. Tbh i was pretty okay on Monday, but i ended up depressed on Tuesday morning. Think the pain really hit me then.
So i tried to focus on work, my mum was concerned for me, but she urgently wanted to close the accounts for the month. And i did my best to hold it together. 

Throughout the day, while sneaking in some break time at work, i tried to go to ymi (run by our daily bread), desiring god sites to figure out or find some comfort. 

I didnt even know what i was. Do i call myself an unhappy single as many articles addressed that? But i was a happy single until i (liked you and) got rejected. What abt just broke up people? I was never with you in the first place. 

Why wasnt there an article that spoke to me about being rejected? 

It was only later on that night, that i had time to myself and i decided to seek God again. This quiet time thing has become a habit of mine every night now. I placed my QT journal, my bible, and my pen on my bed. And i started telling God that i was really hurting. 

I told God i needed help to heal, to let go, move on, to be at peace with myself. So i told Him “okay idk how this will work, but God, if your Holy Spirit is with me… please talk to me. And i dont want some “cliched” verse like ‘for i know the plans i have you, plans to prosper you’ etc”. 

(Okay side note, i googled on that and turns out many christians misquote it for any situation in life without realising the actual context of the verse.)

So i randomly flipped the bible open. I know, this method is dodgy. But im not as well versed in the bible as i used to be in sunday sch when i was 10. 

First thing i flipped to was 1 Samuel chapters 1-2. “Eli’s sons have nothing to do with me.. i cant be that bad..” But my eye caught specifically this verse (1 Sam 1:15-16): “… I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.” 

Suddenly I started crying. Within a second. I felt connected like this woman described my pain. Of all the people I could have read in the bible, I got Hannah. 

Pain, not just from the rejection, frustration like how long must i pray for the man God prepared for me, but pain from seeing my grandma weak, fear from the condition she was in, fear she would go.. everything came pouring out in tears and mucus. 

Then i saw another verse when Hannah praised the Lord for hearing her. Verse 2:2: “there is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God.” 

So i told God, okay, you answer prayers, I am on stable ground with you as my Rock.. and i asked God, what about another random bible flip? 

Second flip was not that applicable because it was in proverbs talking abt Tribes of Judah i think. 

So third flip. I ended up in Psalms 25:4-7, where David asked the Lord to teach him, guide him, while asking the Lord to remember him with his love and mercy. He also declared his hope was in the Lord. 

Next page was Psalms 28:1-2 where he declared the Lord is my Rock. And he subsequently pleaded with God to “hear my cry for mercy, as I call to you for help, as I lift my hands toward your most Holy place.” 

Where did i read that “the Lord is my Rock” thing again? Probably short term memory, so i flipped back to Hannah, and found her declaring the same. And both Hannah and David, in their respective problems, declared the Lord the Most Holy one. I soon realised the connecting themes between both bible flips. 

Maybe the “random” bible flips, werent -that- random? 

I prayed and also thanked God for this heartbreak, cause if honestly I didnt have this heartbreak, and if you hadnt rejected me, I wouldnt have found these 4 verses reaffirming God’s love to me. 

And then i realised i have not heard the phrase “The Lord is my Rock” in such a long time. Idk why, is it because i never pay attention in church, or we havent heard it in sermons for a while, or whatever. I was reminded of something so basic and true again. 

My identity was and is confirmed in the Lord as his beloved child, compared to the morning where I didnt even know whether to classify myself as an unhappy single or felt like a broke up person. 

This was when i felt i could move on already. 

The next day QT was abt personal behaviour improvement, ridding myself of filthy language (which i have a bad habit but my use of vulgarities has gone down this month..), slander, anything malicious. Rather treating people with love, compassion, mercy, humility. Colossians 3:8-17. 

Tbh i didnt see how this linked with the previous day, but as i prayed, it dawned on me that now that i am reminded and taught of my identity in God, that how i behave was my responsibility, as part of my identity. 

Then on the 28th, QT was abt the times we cant pray because we either dont know how to put our thoughts to words, helpless, or whatever, but the Holy Spirit would intercede for us too. Not only that, our friends’ prayers also intercede for us. 

This was also the day that I just let my emotions get the better of me and ranted my worries abt finding the “right guy”. 

You told me you trusted in God’s timing, and thus you are not stressed abt being single at your age. 

“Trust” 

I felt the Lord was challenging me, testing me to trust him. Just because i had faith, doesnt mean i trusted him. Idk why but “trust” and “faith” seem like 2 different things to me. 

During these challenging weeks, sometimes i really dont know how to pray. Demand God’s healing? Beg? Plead? What to say? 

In my times like that Tuesday night, i cried to God in very choppy sentences, wasnt coherent, and somehow, the more i prayed on, the more i felt i could talk to God. Like i was becoming comfortable with talking to him. 

I really felt God was testing me. So i asked God, are you testing me? Why is everything happening now? Why is it that I feel more and more keen to do my QT? Pray more? To lean on you more? Havent you thrown enough life problems for me to deal with already? 

For context though, my theme song per se has been Oceans by Hillsong. Idk why but in the midst of my grandma’s condition, i wanted to look for worship songs, and Oceans popped up. i knew the song, didnt know the lyrics but youtube recommended or listed it anyways. 

So the past few weeks i have been listening to Oceans. 

Speaking of trust, the lyrics went “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders” and then “That my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour”.  

Actually i wrote the entire song lyrics into my journal for Tuesday night when I was depressed and hurting a lot. 

So this song kept coming back to me. Was God challenging me to have faith in him, and to trust him that he will remember me in love as David prayed? If David even needed to pray like this, then all the more I need to. 

So i finally told God to help me to trust him in preparing a man for me, and that i will be prepared for that man too in future. 

Today’s QT was abt being born anew in the Lord. John 3:1-8, 13-16. 

“In reply, Jesus declared, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” 

Our daily bread was talking abt how sometimes we sense something is wrong, so we change our exterior, be it appearance, habit, actions, but our hearts remain unchanged. And only Jesus could bring abt change in our hearts. 

This felt like an immediate answer to my question to God “are you testing me?” 

I cant even bother to exercise daily. And some people claim that you need 3 weeks to form a habit and make it stick. I cant explain why but it must honestly be the Lord when i find myself wanting to load up the day’s QT in the morning, and read bits of it during work .. to meditate it at night. My mum had been nagging me for years, and i couldnt be bothered. 

Also now my friends question why i can move on from you, sure i move anot? And regardless whether they are christians or not, i confidently said it is because i have you as a brother in Christ, that i can move on already. A friend claimed im defending myself too much, but really, im not lying. And i told her that you have helped me to learn to rely on God again. 

In the past, i would never really talk abt God or my christian faith. I never wanted to meet church staff or cell group leaders individually cause i was stressed by it. I was super surface level. Super shallow. Now i feel like i found something pretty damn good, and i feel at peace, joyful, and not shy to tell my friends abt my faith in God, my relationship with him. 

All this change has to be by God. 

He is testing me to come closer to him, and to lean on him. To have faith in him. 

So i guess this is why i decided to type everything out. I feel like a new Christian, and excited again. 

On that note also, thank you for being a really good friend, for being so patient with me, guiding me wisely. And please be assured, i have moved on. 🙂