my tuition kid was testing my patience the other night. and while i was strict and firm with her, i was trying to avoid scolding her. reason being the moment i do that, she sees me as just another adult. she comes from a underprivileged family, where her mum speaks to her normally in a scolding tone. yep scolding = normal tone. i’ve never heard her mum speak to her in a normal loving way.
so when she is scolded, she mentally shuts off from people, and think you’re just one of them. she is quite deprived of parental love tbh, and i’ve got the feeling the reason she is mischievous, noisy, and socially awkward at times is because she just wants attention and love. she probably likes me because i don’t scold her, yet i can be firm and strict with her. she knows when im mad at her for not focusing. maybe im giving her a somewhat tough love to want for? i realise she respects me more than she does to her parents. maybe to her, winning my approval or my encouragement is more important than her parents’?
it’s really sad though.
so anyways, a few days ago, she was pushing my limit. but i didn’t scold her. i told her firmly, i won’t always be there to hold her hands, to guide her. she needs to make her own decisions, need to learn to correct her own mistakes in life.
one day she has to let go of me. i have to let go of her.
i came home feeling just mentally worn out having to deal with her. knitted, watched more horizon zero dawn walkthrough by tetraninja, and slept.
ytd (which is the next day after tuition), i was still pretty mentally worn out from her. i came home from japanese class, and it’s been tiring: gym session also made my muscles ache, japanese was challenging … and i still feel like this kid was still eating up my mental energy and emotions.
so i finally decided to worship the lord after i showered. just me, my laptop, in my room, and sang a few worship songs. idk if it’s me picking which songs to sing out of my youtube playlist, or was it maybe the holy spirit or the lord guiding my hand to choose those songs. after all, man might think he was the one who casted the die, but the lord is the one who already planned his steps.
those songs reminded me of god’s love again, despite my weakness, despite my flawed self. i then realised god must have a whole lot of patience to deal with me all my life. i even prayed god will let me die or take me home during the worst period of my depression. doesn’t that break his heart more?
i prayed for death but he gave me life. a life worth living for.
and yet i got fed up with my kid over english grammar exercises. surely i can practise loving her and being more patient with her?
after worship, i felt so much more at peace. like i wasn’t complaining about the kid anymore. i felt refreshed mentally and emotionally. physically i was still in pain from gym anyways. when i went to bed that night, pretty late, almost 3am, i prayed god teach me to love and be patient, because there’s no way i can handle this kid on my own strength. it’s not her fault she came from a challenging background, or a underprivileged family. she just needs someone to be patient, to love her, and to guide her the right way.
despite sleeping for only 6.5 hours (rip my muscles), i felt like i rested deeply. =) i slept pretty well.
thank you god, for your love, for your grace. your mercies are new every morning.